saying those words

I have developed an intolerance to those who don't listen and don't understand. Not a good thing I must say. My temper has grown short and I really at times just want to sit in the dark, cold, quiet room. Yes I have created my own prison over time. But my prison has become my safe haven. My place to hide. I don't understand a lot of things these days. I try not to care but it is so hard. Sheesee why do I have a heart! LOL I honestly don't know what I want, what my goals are anymore. I need to take some time to refocus but I can't get everyone to leave me alone! UGH I hate feeling this way. I'll be ok. I just need to take a break. I'll be fine. I think my father is right. Its time to go back to school so I have something to focus on again. We'll see. but now I return to my cell. The sun is too bright for me. I'm going to nap!

Thinking

I don't know what to think! I really don't. Now remember tomorrow is Thursday. *GAGS* I know what I want just how do I get there?

What Have I Become?

I have literally slept for the past 3 days. Last night I finally have had enough. So as I lay there I honestly don't reconginize the man beside he. He has become such a stranger to me. He is not the loving, fun man I married that was always trying to make me feel good and special. I'm nervous. We go to marriage counseling this Thursday. I'm scared to talk to anyone, write anything, or say anything for fear of him. Me the one who lets no one run over me...I am honestly scared of him. I'm not sure why. I've been trying to figure out why I am so afraid. I have nightmares about this stuff. I do realize one thing I don't think my sleeping has been from my slight illness that has caused me extreme amounts of pain but just the fact that if I'm alseep, he's not arguing, wanting to talk, or anything. I guess right now my dreams are my only safe haven I have. That scares me. I hate what I have become and I hate being paralyzed with fear. I have to take the next step but the uncertaintanty is hard. Especially because its not finanically smart for me to do so. I'm scared. Just scared.

How pathetic am I?

OMG I was sitting in the freaking parkinglot at said store crying over said person that SAID we are only friends. I'm so freakin stupid. I don't know why I wanted to see him so bad this morning but didn't. Oh well. I guess it doesn't matter. I don't think he wants anything else to do with me. This weekend has been hell not only at work but in my head. I have a war going on in there and its scary. Right now all I can hear is myself screaming. I feel hateful right now, but sad. Disappointed for sure. Hurt, maybe? By what? My own issues. I am acutally scaring myself. I know I'm getting to the point of being irrational. I can actually feel that I'm depressed. I don't feel like talking to anyone, I don't want to be around anyone now. I just want to sit here and cry and be by myself in my own torment. That's sad. I'm usually wide up ready to take on anything. I know something is wrong when I'm getting VERY FRUSTRATED with a patient. I'm usually compassionate. What is wrong with me? I ended up drawing some last night in my moments of peace. I looked at a pic that was sent to me in a txt which is mushy and turned it to something kinda...but not really dark. I'll post if my phone will send like its supposed to!

This is the original from the txt.

What I drew...it says "Forever Make-Believe, Forever Seeking"

Make Me Believe

My Eyes are open. My senses have me awfuly aware. I have hit a breakthrough so to say. I just hope I don't back out. I am determined that I do not want to be hurt anymore. These games we play aren't healthy. The break me down further and further. What have I become? You make me sad but you don't see it.

I don't understand how one thing is said but you say something different. That hurts like salt in open wounds. Do you hurt me on purpose.?
To say you'll never do it again but yet you do. I caught you red handed so to say but you lie to me.
Also, he says he doesn't want a relationship but then says another night alone...that makes me sad too.
Life tends to deal these awful hands. I guess Ineed to fold. I'll ante up with my tears and a broken heart, what little bit of digity I have left but its all I have.